‘My dog is afraid of the dark’ and other ruminations about the cost of electricity

My electric bill was unusually high this month. I called to complain:

“Orange and Rockland. May I help you?”

“Hi. This is Skip Hughes of High Ridge Road. My bill is way too high. I think there’s a mistake.”

“Well, let me check the record, sir.”

“My dog is afraid of the dark.”

“Sir?”

“He’s afraid. He may be turning on lights when we’re not home. It’s possible, right?”

“The dog?”

“Yes. Levi. He’d be really embarrassed if he knew I was calling you.”

“Uh huh. What kind of dog is he, Mr. Hughes?”

“He’s a mix of a hellhound and something that hopped a fence. Do you think a purebred would be more energy conscious?”

“Hmmmm.”

We got disconnected, so I called back. A different rep answered:

“Orange and Rockland. How can I help you?”

“Hi. This is Skip Hughes of High Ridge. My bill is way higher than normal this month.”

“I’m sorry Mr. Hughes. Let me check your usage.”

“One of my pets may have been using the computer when we were out. My cat likes anchovies.”

“Excuse me, sir?”

“I mean sometimes we get pizza deliveries that we never ordered. I would never ask for anchovies.”

“Ummmm ....”

“Or garlic knots.”

“I’m going to put you on hold for a moment, alright sir?”

I listened to almost an entire Bette Midler song (“Did you ever know you were...”) before I hung up and called back.

“Orange and Rockland. May I ....”

”I forgot she sang. I just think of her as that witch flying on a vacuum.”

“Hello? Who ....”

“This is Skip Hughes of High Ridge ....”

“Oh. You need help Mr. Hughes.”

“Yes. Yes, I do. I spoke to you earlier, right?”

“Your dog is leaving the lights on?”

“That’s right. Is there any sort of pet-related rebate available?”

“I’m sure there’s help out there for you somewhere, Mr. Hughes.”

Again I got disconnected.

You’d think with what they’re charging they could afford a decent phone system.

Skip Hughes

Monroe