Appily ever after? Readers open up about online dating

“I don’t know what to say, other than that it’s a love-hate relationship,” said Byram, N.J., resident Rob Snyder. He’s been using dating apps on-and-off over the past six years: Bumble, Facebook Dating and even a niche one for motorcycle enthusiasts called Biker Planet.

“If you’re patient, it does work,” added Snyder, 56. “I had a two-year relationship come out of it years ago, and I just met someone in December and am back in a relationship.”

In a survey of more than 200 readers, 67 percent said they have used online dating sites or apps. But they don’t necessarily love the process.

When asked to rate their overall satisfaction with online dating on a scale of one to 10, the average response was a blasé five.

“I don’t love it,” said Harriman, N.Y., resident Gia Farruggia, who has been using dating apps for the past two years. “But I also don’t know what the alternative is.”

The 31-year-old library employee has tried to meet people the old-fashioned way at local bars or breweries, but the crowds are usually groups or families.

“There are not a lot of single people,” she said. “So it’s hard to meet people that way and it just feels like (online dating) is kind of the only option, even though it sucks.”

Swiped out

Farruggia and Snyder both said it’s difficult to move relationships forward on dating apps and questioned the intentions of other users. Are they just looking for that dopamine boost you get from a match? Are they searching for a relationship, or mindlessly scrolling dating apps like social media?

Snyder said the way people use dating apps shifted after the pandemic. He recalled joking with a friend that he needed to quit the apps back in 2019 because he was getting too many dates: taking a different person out to dinner three nights a week was hurting his wallet.

But in recent years, he said getting a date is “like winning the lottery ... and everything is stacked against you.”

People aren’t responding and following through like they used to. Snyder estimated that only 50 percent of matches reply to a first message.

“It feels like people just want to swipe and get likes,” added Farruggia. “I feel like so often, I’ll talk with someone for a couple days, and it’s going well ... and then I’ll be like, ‘Hey, do you want to get dinner?’ ‘Do you want to grab coffee?’ And then I never hear for them again.

“And it’s like, it’s a dating app. Why are you not wanting to go on a date with me – the person you matched with on a dating app?”

And while she has gone on first and second dates and has dated some matches for months at a time, “as soon as it gets to that like, make-it-more-serious kind of phase, nothing ever really comes of it,” Farruggia said.

Both Farruggia and Snyder expressed how the user experience – swiping through seemingly endless photos and profiles of local people looking for love – may contribute to the lack of commitment. There’s always more people to see, so why not keep swiping?

Dating apps are companies that profit off user engagement, after all. Match, the most popular site among surveyed readers and parent company to Hinge, Tinder, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish and OurTime, was sued last February.

The lawsuit claimed “Match intentionally designs the Platforms with addictive, game-like design features, which lock users into a perpetual pay-to-play loop that prioritizes corporate profits over its marketing promises and customers’ relationship goals.”

Match denies wrongdoing and said the suit has “zero merit.”

Getting burned

Compounding the never-ending-scroll are the safety issues that come with online dating. Robin Van Dunk, 68, just started dabbling in dating app six months ago – and has already run into sexual predators and catfish, or a person who creates a fake online identity to trick people.

Most recently, a man tried to scam her out of money on Facebook Dating. At first, “he sounded like a really nice guy, we talked a couple times, made friends on Facebook,” she said.

Then four days ago he sent her a message saying he was on an offshore ship and had run into trouble.

“And then he started asking me if I had Zelle or CashApp,” said Van Dunk.

Luckily, she knew this was a red flag. Even though the scammer was insisting he wanted to send her money, she cut off contact with him.

Two other men she encountered thus far have sent her unsolicited sexually explicit photos or conversation.

She blocked them as well.

“I’m not having great luck with it,” she said.

Striking a match

In our reader survey, 46 percent of those who used dating apps said they found a partner online. According to Pew Research Center, approximately 10 percent of couples who are currently married, living together or are in a committed relationship originally met online.

Wantage, N.J., residents Brittany and Brian Bosloper originally met on Bumble in 2019. They got married in 2021 and just had a baby girl last August.

Jim and Eileen Kensek of Highland Lakes, N.J., were early to the online dating world; they met on Yahoo Personals back in 2004. They got married in 2008 and now live together with their two dogs in Highland Lakes, N.J.

Interviewed separately, Jim and Eileen both expressed how honesty is what drew them to one another:

Eileen: “I met him, and he was a very honest person. He was true. You could just tell from talking to him. It was very true with the way he spoke and the answers he gave.”

Jim: “She was sweet. She was honest, her description matched her, which was what I was looking for.”

It’s a quality many on the apps are longing for.

“I think I just kind of wish everybody would be more meaningful with it; don’t just swipe on everybody.... Put a little bit more thought into it, and try and make connections,” said Farruggia. “It feels like a lot of people aren’t super honest. And it’s like, we’re all here for the same thing: we’re here because we want to find a partner. Let’s just be honest with each other about what we’re looking for.”

Online dating tips from a professional matchmaker

Michelle Frankel is the founder and CEO of New Jersey Matchmaking in Ridgewood, N.J. Managing online dating apps for clients is one of many services offered by her company. Here are her top tips for local people navigating online dating:

1. Post the right photos

Frankel suggests posting three to five excellent photos: one headshot, one full-body image and one picture of you that can be a conversation starter – such as a photo hiking, skiing or playing a sport.“The other two photos, which is a body shot and a face shot ... need to be a really great photo. These should not be selfies.”

Pictures should be taken within the past two years and should reflect who you are today. She also advises against posting group photos.

“Often I hear clients say ‘Oh, I want them to know I have friends,’” said Frankel. “Well, putting a picture with 10 other people does not guarantee you have any friends. It only makes the user experience more difficult. They’re like, ‘Who is this? Oh, I want to date that cute one, not you.”

2. Be positive

Focus on optimism and what you’re looking for instead of focusing on what you’re not looking for.

“Own what you’re doing,” said Frankel. So many people will be on (dating apps) and be negative – saying ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this’ or ‘Don’t contact me if you voted for Trump’ or whatever. Negative vibes are not a good thing for online dating,” said Frankel.

3. Thoughtful messaging

Swiping and messaging matches can be exhausting. Frankel recommends her clients capture the attention of their matches by sending messages that are more intentional than “How’s the weather?” or “How’s it going?”

Frankel suggests being polite, but engaging and flirty by sending a message that mentions something specific about your match’s profile.

4. Get a date, not a pen pal

If the match doesn’t want to set up a date – or perhaps a video chat – after four or five exchanges online, Frankel recommends moving on. The person may not have good intentions.

5. Safety first

Always meet a date out in public. And never give a match any private information online.